


*OLD* Boats and Birds

by quietdetective



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, BTW, Dave is oblivious, Depression, Gen, He is in all my stories, Hurt/Comfort, John is Not Okay, John needs to be protected, M/M, Multichapter, Repressing Emotions, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, Tragedy, john is autistic, the title is based off the song Boats and Birds by Gregory and the Hawk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-26
Updated: 2016-12-02
Packaged: 2018-08-27 01:20:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8382430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quietdetective/pseuds/quietdetective
Summary: Letters that were never meant to be seen by one Dave Strider, are found, read, and a whole bunch of other stuff by the one Dave Strider, while the one who wrote them, his best friend John Egbert, is dying.UPDATE! SOMEHOW ALREADY UNDER HEAVY REWRITINGTHIS COPY IS ABANDONED AND SOON THERE WILL BE A NEW BOATS AND BIRDS UPSORRY FOR INCONVENIENCE





	1. Thinking about stuff and a Box is Found.

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [I Can Make You Love Me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/950200) by [ectoBisexual](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ectoBisexual/pseuds/ectoBisexual). 



> Hey guess whose really sad about the upd8 B) Decided to try my hand at this and I will probably edit the first chapter a ton so don't get too attached.  
> I will try to update this weekly, but please don't get too mad if i don't. Comments make me happy and are always appreciated. I won't always have the energy to reply, so just know I have read them and I really love them  
> (Edit!) Heavily edited the first chapter from teh original.

On April 13th 20XX, your best friend’s birthday, was also made his death day. You knew he wasn’t trying to be poetic or anything, he was always hateful towards the date. You just assumed it was for the cake he would always get, the overabundance making John sick of it in the matter of hours. It was only a thought though; John would never tell why he hated it.

You found out the news when you were on a date with your boyfriend, Karkat Vantas. You got the call when you were about to start some make outs, feeling annoyed when your phone rang loudly and you were hushed. You had rolled your eyes and turned it off, assuming it was nothing important.

It was very important in fact.  
Jane was the one on the other end, something that should’ve tipped you off. She never called you. She only did when it was important. Like when Dirk fell off the roof or Roxy nearly relapsed, or Rose.  
You told Karkat the situation right after you hung up, since he was John’s friend as much as you were. It didn’t feel right leaving him out. He also deserved to know why you were leaving so suddenly. He decided to come, though it was clear that this wasn’t part of your date. Neither of you even needed to mention that part since it was obvious. 

When you got to the hospital, Jane and Jade, his sisters, were both still crying and their other brother, Jake was sitting there looking near shocked. Your brother sat beside him, trying to comfort him. You knew that Jake looked up to John in a sense, even though they had a few years on you guys.  
You were told John tried to kill himself at 10:25pm, and was found only minutes after he stopped breathing. You weren’t sure how to react. John was always someone who always seemed so, well, so alive! You always knew when he was in a room, and he always seemed to be attracting attention somehow. It was always good, though a few of his pranks were less than okay. Usually though, those pranks seemed to be caused by Vriska, one of his other friends who you really didn’t like. Off that though.  
You asked to see him, wanting to see John. You were told he might not make it, taking a number of sleeping pills as well as cutting both wrists. It was amazing they managed to save him.  
You were lead to his room, everything seeming to move so fast yet so slow at the same time. Jane and Jade went with you, making an excuse that you were his adopted brother before you were allowed in.  
Your eyes teared up when you saw his prone form.  
John was always chubby, ever since you met him, though now he seemed thin, and small. He wasn’t that much smaller than you, and he definitely wasn’t as pale as you were, but his skin had an ashy, cool tone, and his form was too small for your liking. He looked too. Un-John like.  
You sat in the chair beside him, there being another which Jane took and Jade sat on the side of his bed, so, so careful around his arms. They both kissed his cheek softly, looking at him like if they dared to look away he would disappear. You reached out a hand to gently hold his, surprised by how cold they were. Even if you could remember nothing of John, you would always remember how his hands were soft and warm when you would hold them. You mostly did it before dating Karkat, after it felt like a weird violation of your relationship with Karkat. John understood, even if he looked really weird when you told him. John always had trouble expressing emotions, bottling it up until it all exploded. Like when... don’t think of it right now. That was your first glimpse into John’s mind, and you’ve been worried ever since. Not worried enough it seemed. You never thought, never thought that he would do something like this. Sure he had a lot of problems, but trying to take his own life...

 

“He doesn’t want to stay on life support for more than a week. It said it on the note he left.” Jane said quietly, just staring at her little brother.

“What?” You were surprised. They hadn’t mentioned a note. Though, it did make sense.

“John requested that if he weren’t awake in a week if we found and saved him, then to let him die.”  
“What, no. Jane he wasn’t thinking straight!”  
“He’s my brother Dave! I don’t want him to die! But I want to respect his final wishes.” Jane looked so sad, and you knew it wasn’t her fault. She was trying her best. You couldn’t find yourself to care though.

“Jane he wanted to die!”

 

You stood suddenly enough that you startled Jane and Jade, one of whom was trying to contact Rose, and walked out quickly, ignoring the calls from Jane. Karkat tried to follow you, and you would feel awful about it later, but you slammed your car door in his face as he tried to get an answer from you as you drove away.  
You managed to get home safely, but the silence wasn’t as welcomed as you thought it’d be. It reminded you too much of John, so silent on the bed with only machines indicating he still breathed, one of which made sure he did.  
You rushed to the washroom to throw up, heaving as you kept seeing him every time you tried to close your eyes. John was fine. He was going to be fine. He would recover and you would see him again, and you would hit him for scaring you and act like this never happened. You tried to ignore Jane’s voice telling you that he probably wouldn’t wake up, her voice shaking, and that she, Jade, and Jake decided to keep him on life support for a week, and if he didn’t wake up, they’d pull the plug. When asked why, their eyes filled with even more tears as they said it was what John wanted.  
Well John wanted to fucking die, you thought bitterly, at that moment you were speechless though.

You couldn't help your wandering thoughts. No matter what, they always went back to one subject that no one had been able to figure out yet.

The blank in your memories.

A huge blank; one that was at least 3 years worth of nothing. You know somewhere that you do know what happened, that you weren’t somehow dead yet still alive but, you didn’t have access to those memories. They were kept from you.

When you questioned your friends they said the same thing. A huge blank was in their memories and nothing they tried would fix it.

It was easy to ignore, but when you didn’t have a distraction it would eat away at you all.

It was hard to tell why the gap in all of your memories was there.

At least, everyone but John Egbert’s memory had a gap. The boy also known as your best friend, son, brother, all that sorta stuff.

You were certain he was the exception, since even when asked and he said he remembered nothing as well, he was your closest friend and you saw how he looked when you asked. You wanted to believe him, since you didn’t want to think he would lie to everyone but you just couldn’t.

Life went on though, and as much as you all would love to find out what happened in those three years, you had more important jobs.

Namely being the kings and queens you all were chosen to be of the kingdoms.

How you were all chosen was a mystery, that part of the three year gap you must assume, but known of you can really say you mind. At least you have things to do.

You had a loving boyfriend, an amazing family even if they were snarky fuckers you loved them to death, and a best friend who would always help out at the drop of a dime.

You just didn’t notice when one of your friends were struggling, isolating himself and then tried to leave you and your other friends’ lives.

  
You got up, tired and stressed from all that was happening, receiving a text from Jade. She was asking you if you wanted to help go through John’s room. You wanted to decline but. He was your best friend. You washed your mouth and face, and agreed with a single:

sure

 

 


	2. Thinking about stuff and a Box is Found.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the next day and Dave is heading over to John's to go through his room. The walk causes him to think about things. When he gets to John's, he finds a box.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who didn't have faith that i would update this?  
> I didn't have faith that i would update this B)  
> anyway thanks for all the nice comments!!! I really love them but I am an awkward being so i can't respond well  
> also wanna know how long it took me to code that one word last time?  
> longer than it took me to write the fic :)

You think back to a happier time as you walked, alone, to John’s home. It had been quite a while since you’ve been here, and even longer since you walked there without John. You used to come over every day, yet, somewhere from when you started dating Karkat till now, you barely came here anymore. Sure you still saw John through visits with other friends, but you realized with a sinking stomach, you hadn’t just, hung out with John in a while. You always brought Karkat along, or you never set up plans with him.

 

God, you even forgot his fucking birthday. You didn’t know until he texted you right before your date with Karkat. You don’t know how the fuck John used to deal with you. Used, how he deals with you. He isn’t dead yet. When he pops outta that coma you’re going to have to schedule some serious bro time with him. At least, after you make sure he knows everyone cares about him and that he shouldn’t do stuff like that cause man. You never want to see his sisters cry like that again.

Anyway, how he deals with you. After you messaged back saying what, since you forgot his birthday and all, he just messaged back like it was no big deal and that you guys can hang out some other time. Didn’t even mention his birthday. Fuck. If only you weren’t so selfish. You should’ve texted Karkat to tell him that John needed some of your sweet Strider brand of attention for his birthday, never mind the fact you forgot to get him a kickass present too.

You wish John actually got mad at you. Yelled saying it was his birthday and taht you were a shit friend for forgetting. That would ease your guilt a little.

Fuck. Maybe if you remembered, or at least cancelled your date to see him, he wouldn’t be in the hospital after trying to commit suicide. Maybe he would be laying against you snoring after falling asleep to your honorary choice of the night. Maybe John would’ve known you do actually care adn not just saying that sorta stuff so you can complain to him and stuff when you need to.

 

Oh, you’re here. You knock on the door to John’s home, trying not to think about the fact that you aren’t going to be greeted by the youngest Egbert with a huge hug as he rambled about some stupid prank or magic trick he learned. Wait. Did he ever do that? Fuck. You’re a horrible friend. You can’t even remember his interests.

You’re broken from your selfloathing train of thought by Jane, who opened the door probably a minute ago and is waiting for you to go inside. “Thanks” You say as you walk in.

“You’re welcome. Uh. You can just go up to his room I guess. I don’t know anymore... He probably would’ve trusted you to go through his stuff more than me. You were his best friend” Jane said, unknowingly making it so you’re heart feels ready to burst from guilt. You didn’t deserve it.

“Alright, I’ll just head up. Look through some of his stuff. Dig around like mouse looking for some cheese or some shit. Peanut butter probably since mice don’t actually like cheese all that much...” You stopped yourself from going too far. John probably would’ve interrupted you to say you were getting seriously off topic. Fuck.

“Uh. Yeah. Don’t throw anything away, but maybe just. I don’t know. Find stuff he’d probably want your guys to keep?” Jane looked so unsure herself, so different from her usual somewhat composed self. It was understandable though. Her brother was dying.

 

You decide to just nod before heading up to his room, feeling weird as you opened his door. You look around, noticing that it was as clean as usual, though his bed was messy and had some red stains... You look away and head to his desk. You know where he usually stored stuff. John was pretty orderly, so this shouldn’t be too hard. At least you hope.

 

You start, finding stuff that made you laugh and some that made your heart ache. You decide to just go through his closet, since clothes were easier. Maybe you’d steal a sweater just because... They would never fit you but. It’d be nice to remember him by

You spot a blue one that he used to wear all the time, reaching up to get it, it being easier with your height,  and before you expect it, a box falls with it. The sweater was used to wrap it up. You couldn’t see why. It was a pretty simple box, an old shoe one that was heavier than you expected. You open it up, thinking that it was probably something important. What surprised you though was that it was filled with letters. You go through them, hoping that they were labeled.

They were, but all of them said the same thing, with a number that changed beside it:

dave #1

Fuck.

You think about calling Jane but. You weren’t sure anymore.

You opened the letter carefully, not wanting to rip it, and find a letter, still addressed to you.

 

dave

haha... what if i did the whole dear dave thing

you’d probably say it was ironic or something. honestly i thought of writing it like htat just to see that stupid little smile you do whenever you get pleased with some stupid joke you made.

honestly you’re such a dork

anyway, uh. guess i should address why i’m writing huh?

rose said if i can’t talk to people about stuff that bugs me, maybe i should just write it?

instead of writing in a diary like a person normally would, i just decided letters would be fun to do in stead

and fuck it maybe i just want to talk to you some times

you’re always really busy with karkat, but i don’t mind

i’m really happy for you if im honest

haha, just don’t forget about me!

not like you would..

anyway  i’m writing cause i’m absolute shit at talking about things so writing just seems easier.

i read it online somewhere, and a couple years ago rose said i should do it too!

i keep dodging the topic. fuck.

uh. I’m depressed i guess. well. at least i’m pretty sure i am. all signs point to it.

fuck. It looks really official on paper.

oh hey, you messaged me. I’m going to talk to the real dave i guess. in stead of the paper one.

bye –john

 

You looked at the words. Depressed. So he knew. You could only wonder why he didn't try and get your guys' help. 


	3. Secrets are Talked about and Dave is Cuddly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave heads home and Karkat is there. Dave reads another letter and must wonder what John was up to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking a while  
> All comments are really appreciated!  
> Warnings for DaveKat just in case it triggers you.

You look at the pile of letters that nearly filled the box they were in, shoved in this way and that just to fit them all in it. You couldn’t tell how many there were, there had to be at least 30, and you couldn’t imagine why John wouldn’t talk to you guys about how he felt.

Were you too demeaning? Did you mock him too much about his interests?  Was it something you could’ve fixed?

You grab the box and envelopes and the sweater, slipping it on. It was a bit baggy and very warm. It still smelt like him. You got up and headed out, saying a quick goodbye to Jane, and before she could ask any questions, you were gone from the home.

You carried the box close and tried not to think too much over the contents. You weren’t sure what to expect really. It could all be good, or it all could be bad. Only one way to find out really.

By the time you get to you and Karkat’s home, it was nearing the time you usually had supper of sorts. It wasn’t always some huge meal where everything was perfectly laid out, but you usually tried to eat together. The only time it changed was when you had kingdom duties or either of you guys were having a bad day. Then you would lie around and usually just try to keep hydrated, though you both would still try to get the other to eat since the worry was still there.

You think maybe, ~~if~~ , when John wakes up you’ll ask Karkat to do the same for him. It would be nice, and you hope that it’ll help your friend.

You lean over and give Karkat’s head a kiss, the troll residing on the couch watching some old movies. You normally would immediately sit down with him and talk about your day, but. You think he’d understand why you didn’t today. You knew he was hurting too. After all, John was a friend to all of you.

“I’m going to go to the room. Holler if you need anything” You tell Karkat before leaving, going to your shared bedroom and putting the box down. You wanted to read them all right away, you would honestly, but. That would mean the end. There was really no way John would survive, or at least wake up, that’s what everyone was telling each other. You wanted to deny it but, it seemed like it was the truth.

If you read them all and that was the end; that would be the last of John for you all.

You sit down in front of the box, debating what you should do. Turning to alcohol seemed like the easiest choice, muddle you thinking for a while and just not think of anything, but Karkat would definitely stop you beforehand. And that was before thinking of how Rose would react. She definitely would not appreciate it.

You sigh like an angsty teenager you like to pretend to be, flopping back. You take off John’s sweater and hug it, trying to make believe that it is actually him. It’s nigh impossible. John was soft and constantly warm; the sweater wasn’t really the same. It still smelt like him, reminding you of days passed, before the weird period where none of you can really remember but somehow knowing it was for the better of everyone. You weren’t sure what to think of that time really. None of you brought it up if it could be helped. Especially John.

You just lay there for a bit before Karkat comes to check on you, he just sighed over how much of a mess you are and helped you up, hugging you close and giving you a kiss.

“Dave, he’ll be fine” He said, trying to be comforting. He didn’t even yell it really, just trying to keep quiet for you in your supposedly delicate state. At least that’s what you’re pretty sure everyone would say since your best friend is in the hospital and he probably won’t wake up.

You guess they aren’t really wrong but you hate when people treat you differently.  Karkat is usually pretty sweet to you, but usually he still yells a lot since he has shit volume control.

“Hopefully. He’s a pretty stubborn dude for whatever is good for him so maybe he’ll stay in a coma till the last day or some shit just to spite us” You say, giving KArkat a bit of a smile before kissing his lips gently.

“Hehe, maybe. Hopefully he won’t though, his siblings are all pretty worried, and the rest of us aren’t turning a blind eye either”

You nod a bit before kissing Karkat again, “Lets go watch some crappy movies.”

“Alright”

You both go off to watch some movies, just wanting to try and take your mind off things for a while.

 

By the end of the night you are both nearly falling asleep against each other. The couch isn’t all that hard, so it was entirely possible for you all to just go to sleep there.

You pick up the troll and carry him to bed. .Karkat isn’t all that bigger than you, but he is still pretty light compared to John. Dude got you to gain some muscle with his shenanigans.

You both lie in bed for a while, and when you know Karkat is in a deep sleep, you pull away to read a letter. You decide just reading one will be enough for your curiosity, and tell yourself you’ll only read one no matter what.

You climb out of the warmth and head to the box full of letters. Karkat didn’t ask about it thankfully. He was probably trying to give you some space and you appreciate it a lot. You rip a letter open, not even paying attention to if it was in the right order or not. Who ever gave a fuck about order? Certainly not you.

 

dear dave

haha! i actually did it!

i bet you didn’t think i would!

i can get your whole irony think if i really try, i just usually don’t bother trying.

it’s your shtick after all!

so why am i bothering to write today you may ask?

well, i actually had a very good day!

i didn’t want to die at all and i didn’t have any horrible flashbacks!

and!!!!!!

you hung out with me!

it’s sorta sad but the truth is we haven’t really hung out in a while. i get that you’re busy being king and all but i would really love just having some bro time again!

well, we’ve hung out, but no one on one bro time! just with a group of friends, and i love jade and rose but you’re different from them! i still love hanging out with them though, they are the best.

also whenever we do plan on hanging out one on one, you usually end up bringing karkat.

which is also fine but he gets you all the time!

it would just be nice to have some good ole fashion hang out again!

do i sound whiney? i probably sound super whiney :(

i really don’t mind! you two are dating and i totally get that you wanna spend time with him. god, well any way.

the two of us just hung out!

karkat was apparently busy and rose and jade had a date with kanaya that they for got about till last minute, so you couldn’t come to our little hang out.

yep, it was gonna be a group thing and thaaaaaaaat failed.

you decided though, that it was fine adn you would hang out with poor lil ole me!

ugh, i can’t believe i just wrote that. i will never write that again i promise.

any way! so you came over and we watched movies!

you made fun of my movie choices, which doesn’t surprise me.

i just wish you would lay off the whole nic cage thing. i got over that on the ship really, though i can still enjoy a lot of them, especially con air, if purely on nostalgia; not really cause i love the movie anymore.

we talked a lot too; just about our lives.

i felt weird saying that i haven’t been doing much, while you were rambling about being kind and all that.

i did wander a lot on our new world, though i can’t really let you guys see the windy thing or else you’ll all know :(

you looked sad after i said i didn’t go out a lot, or hang out with many people, and i don’t really understand why.

you tried to ask why i didn’t come over and hang out with you all, or invite people over to hang out. i wouldn’t tell you though.

you dropped it thankfully and soon after you left.

not even five minutes after you left though, you messaged me and said you wanted to do it more often, hanging out i mean, since we haven’t really hung out with just the two of us in a while.

you said you loved hanging out with me.

hopefully you meant it.

-john

You took a deep breath after reading it. You remembered that day. It was a while ago, nearly a full year. You missed hanging out with John so you and the girls organized a little thing, though they couldn’t make it since their date with Kanaya actually fell on the same date.

You went anyway though, since one doesn’t just leave a bro hanging.

You remember how surprised John looked when he saw you, and how happy he looked when you said you were gonna hang out and it was gonna be great.

He was always cutest when he was happy.

John let you in and you both just hung out, talking about different things and life. You talked about how being kind of the troll kingdom was, though you could never remember precisely how you became such.

John was king of the humans but he generally let Jane rule since she liked it more.

Apparently he never really left, though now you know he apparently traveled a lot. You didn’t know what the windy thing was though. It obviously had something to do with the wind, but you couldn’t think of anything that would relate to such thing.

You wanted to help your friend, since he was really becoming a hermit. You tried to prod an answer out of him, why he wouldn’t ask to hang out with any of you guys, but he wouldn’t budge. you got that it would probably not be a good idea to really push though, so you dropped it.

You wanted to hang out with him more. You really did, it was just. Stuff always got in the way, and you always forgot about him

You forgot about your best friend.

You meant it when you said you loved hanging out with him though; John was special to you and would always be.

He was hiding something though. What didn’t he want you all to know though?

You looked over at Karkat who was still sleeping. You had to go lay with him soon, since if you left him for too long he would start having pretty horrible night terrors.

Nobody wants that of course, so your boyfriend needs some grade A Strider hugs and loving.

You wrap the box in John’s sweater, wanting to try and keep the scent as long as you can. Of course, it would be comforting to have it by you when you sleep but, you really don’t want to end up drooling on it or something. That’d be just disgusting.

You climb into bed beside Karkat, wrapping your arms around his middle cause fuck yeah big spoon, and close your eyes.

Your mind can’t help but wander to John’s letters and wonder what he was hiding.


	4. Updates and Very important questions

Hey so no actual story update  
I have a question though.   
I am not happy with how this fic is going. I am disappointed in my writing and I want to restart. But I don't know if I should make a new story (abandon this copy and start a new) or just change this one.   
So which would you people prefer? I genuinely don't know and want help.   
If any one cares just comment and tell me which would be better


	5. Chapter 5

THE NEW FIC SHOULD BE UP SOON! WHEN IT IS I WILL PROVIDE A LINK, OR YOU COULD JUST GO ON MY PROFILE? I HOPE YOU ENJOY THE FIRST CHAPTER, IT'S SORTA A PREVIEW AND WILL BE THE ONLY ONE UP FOR A WHILE!

Edit! http://archiveofourown.org/works/8731384  
The new and hopefully improved fic!


End file.
